


A Shared Experience

by Bibliophage413



Series: A Shared Experience [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Talk of Familial Rejection, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 09:12:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19059625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bibliophage413/pseuds/Bibliophage413
Summary: Fighting your own self loathing in a bid to be happy is a hell of a lot easier when you have someone to do it with.





	A Shared Experience

**Author's Note:**

> Happy pride month! Here's the squeakual to my other fic, Fiery Eyes. It takes place directly after The Last Resort of Good Men quest. Hope you guys like it :)

The trip back to Skyhold from Redcliffe was a quiet one.  
   
Trevelyan liked silence. His mind often felt like it worked simultaneously too fast and too slow, and the chaotic soundscape of Skyhold or even a tumultuous conversation strained his attention after a while. It was one of the only things he missed about living in a Circle of Magi. There was always a quiet corner where you could tuck yourself away. In those quiet corners, he felt could he truly hear his own thoughts. But this was different. This was a silence that felt like it should have been broken already. Trevelyan felt like he ought to know what to say. He of all people should know what to say, but the silence crept into his mind as he searched for the right words. So he said nothing, and Dorian said nothing in return, and the silence stretched out across the entirety of their route back to Skyhold.  
   
He glanced across at Dorian from his mount as they approached the keep. Dorian’s expression was grim. His jet black hair caught in the afternoon sunlight in a way that brought out subtle shades of brown. Trevelyan tore his eyes away before he got caught staring. He wondered for a moment if _all_ of Dorian’s hair was so dark. Trevelyan’s eyes wandered downwards with his wondering thoughts and a heat rose in his face as he mentally slapped himself for thinking such things about someone who was about 6 feet away from him.  
   
_And who would probably be disgusted knowing you think of him in that way._  
   
That shut down any other thoughts running around Trevelyan’s mind. An all too familiar sense of shame washed over him. If he could just stop thinking these things he’d be… lying to himself all over again. He sighed, a bit louder that he meant to. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Dorian glance his way. Ok, this couldn’t go on forever.  
   
They’d crossed back over the threshold of Skyhold. Dorian dismounted and made a beeline for the stairway back up into the keep. Trevelyan watched him go as he hitched his horse back up in the stables. Dorian clearly needed some time to himself, so Trevelyan set aside his baggage and began his daily rounds. He always tried to save Dorian for last anyways, so that would give him some time.  
   
He smiled a bit to himself, remembering a comment Dorian had once made about watching him run around Skyhold. Dorian was half right. Trevelyan did his best to play coy, so literally running back to Dorian was out of the question, but his best was still not very good or subtle. He was slightly winded as he finally reached the library. He’d stopped for a moment to catch his breath when he saw Dorian standing in the window… and his breath was nowhere to be found.  
   
The cool, wintery light from the evening sun cast a glow around the mage. He seemed deep in thought, his expression deceptively blank. Trevelyan was stuck to the floor for a moment, suddenly unsure if he should approach. He stepped forward as softly as he could. Dorian didn’t turn to look at him, but as Trevelyan got closer the other mage spoke.  
   
“He says we’re alike. Too much pride. Once I would have been overjoyed to hear him say that. Now I’m not certain. I don’t know if I can forgive him.”  
   
The anxiety that had been building in Trevelyan’s chest vanished. Now that it was said aloud, he felt himself better able to approach. Trevelyan knew this hurt.  
   
“He tried to change you.” He’d meant it as a question but said like a statement of fact. It was both.  
   
Dorians expression twisted with a pain not yet healed. “Out of desperation. I wouldn’t put on a show, marry the girl, keep everything unsavory private and locked away.” Dorian grimaced. “Selfish, I suppose, not to want to spend my entire life screaming on the inside. He was going to do a blood ritual. Alter my mind. Make me… acceptable. I found out. I left.”

The bluntness of the last two sentences belied a more painful story. Dorian didn’t have to tell it for Trevelyan to know it. He was suddenly 18 again, standing in front of his own family. Father had been beside himself with grief and frustration, trying to understand how his child could have possibly been so miserable without him noticing. Mother had just stared off into space, as if by not looking at him he would disappear back into her eldest daughter. He’d hoped his sister would at least have his back, but…

_“You’ll never be a brother to me. I’ll call you whatever you want, but I’m not going to impose any of that shit on mother and father.”_

He’d lived in the circle ever since he was 11, his parents visiting about twice a month. Being nobility had some perks on circle life, but the visits stopped after that. Then out of the blue his father had shown up. 

 _“It’s not that I don’t believe you, I just can’t ignore the fact that there might be certain_ influences _someone like you has over them. I’ve spoken to the Grand Cleric back home, and she says she’ll send people as soon as she can to do some tests to see if there’s any chance you’re–“_

He hadn’t heard from his mother and father since, his sister only writing him now to tell him she was sorry. He hadn’t replied.   
   
Trevelyan brought his focus back to Dorian, who had gone back to staring out the window.  
   
“Are you all right?” he asked.   
   
“No. Not really.”  
   
Dorian moved from the window to face him. There was no attempt to hide the grief in his eyes, but he smiled softly as he said, “thank you for bringing me out there. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but… it was something.”  
   
Dorian sighed. “Maker knows what you must think of me now, after that whole display.”  
   
Trevelyan felt a warmth swell up in his chest and he laughed. “I only wish I could have been so curt with _my_ father. You’re brave Dorian, and I–“ _love you for that_. He bit his tongue before he could finish _that_ thought, and quickly corrected, “I–I don’t think less of you for that. More, if possible.”  
   
“The things you say,” Dorian said, his eyes bright. If Trevelyan didn’t know him better, he’d swear Dorian was about to cry.  
   
“I mean it,” Trevelyan said softly, a flush spreading across his cheeks.  
   
There was something fragile about the moment strung between them, and Trevelyan felt that if he moved it would break. His heartbeat fluttered against his chest. Dorian held Trevelyan’s gaze, his expression suddenly unreadable. He seemed to be deciding something.  
   
“My father never understood. Living a lie… it festers inside of you, like poison. You have to fight for what’s in your heart.” Dorian stepped closer to Trevelyan, who was sent reeling by Dorian’s words. It was though he’d looked straight into Trevelyan’s soul and given him the words to describe it. Dorian looked deep into Trevelyan’s eyes. “I imagine you know the feeling.”  
   
Dorian was very close to him now. When Trevelyan went to speak, it came out in a whisper.  
   
“I do…”  
   
They reached out for each other in the same moment, holding each other close as their lips met. It was tense and gentle all at once. Trevelyan’s whole body relaxed into the kiss, a sigh escaping him. Dorian held tight to Trevelyan’s waist and placed a hand to cup the crook of his neck, caressing it with the rhythm of their kiss. Trevelyan felt his mind melt away with the sheer warmth of Dorian against him. The heat of the north seemed to burn like a fire beneath Dorian’s skin. He pulled away and Trevelyan leaned forward to chase the kiss for just a moment longer. He could feel Dorian’s smile against his lips before he saw it. They looked into each other's eyes for a moment before Dorian’s gentle smile turned into its more usual smirk.  
   
“I see you enjoy playing with fire, Inquisitor.”  
   
Trevelyan, already flushed from the kiss, grew a few shades darker red. “I swear, it’s like you can read my mind sometimes.”  
   
Dorian looked taken aback for a moment. His arms, which were still intertwined with Trevelyan’s, grew tense before relaxing again. Dorian stepped back from Trevelyan’s grasp as he gave a strained laugh.  
   
“Yes, about that… there’s something I meant to talk to you about before all of this business with my father got dragged out.”  
   
Trevelyan cocked his head to the side. “Are you about to tell me you can actually read minds? Like Cole?”  
   
Dorian grimaced. “Funny you should bring him up. No, as incredibly formidable and talented a mage as I am, I cannot read minds. Not at the moment at any rate. I’m not entirely sure that’s possible for mortals to do outside of blood magic.” Dorian looked incredibly uncomfortable. He couldn’t seem to meet Trevelyan’s eye anymore. “ Cole on the other hand, is not mortal. Not in the way we are in any case. He came to me the other day and told me… certain thoughts he had overheard.” Dorian drew his gaze back up to meet Trevelyan’s. “Your thoughts.”  
   
Trevelyan's vision tunneled. His blood went cold and his heart picked up at a renewed pace. The things Cole saw in other’s hearts was never pretty. They were things Cole thought, however rightly or wrongly, he could _fix_. What had he seen in Trevelyan’s thoughts that needed fixing? That needed to be told to _Dorian_? Trevelyan wanted to ask what Dorian had heard, but the words couldn’t make it past his lips. The silence stretched out between them again. Dorian still hadn’t broken eye contact with Trevelyan when he broke the silence.  
   
“He told me how you feel about me.”  
   
“What else,” Trevelyan asked abruptly. He hadn’t meant to sound angry, but something was bubbling up inside him. “He told you something else, didn’t he.”  
   
“Yes, he did.” Dorian’s demeanor shifted to match Trevelyan’s as he continued, “and while I can understand how that must make you feel, I’m glad he did. How could you think I’d reject you for something as trivial as that? You knew I knew, and we’ve been dancing around _this_ ,” he gestured between the two of them, “for _months_ now. You really think I’d lead you on like that if I found you as repulsive as you seem to find yourself?”  
   
Trevelyan bristled with a wave of anger. “I don’t know what– hell, I don’t care what exactly Cole told you,” he said, voice low so as not to draw attention. “I’m _fine_ , and I don’t need your pity.”  
   
“This isn’t pity!” Dorian hissed. Dorian was not one to give up ground in an argument, and he’d been on the back foot since the topic had been brought up. “If I pitied you I wouldn’t have told you about this! I care about you, and I was told, against my will mind you, certain things about your innermost thoughts and feelings. And while I can agree that was a violation of trust, I think we both know you’re full of it. ‘ _I’m fine?_ ’ I don’t need to read your mind to know that’s utter shit! So excuse me for not wanting to sit by and do nothing, all the while knowing that you think I’m disgusted by you.”  
   
“You have no fucking idea what goes on in my head! You think that little voice cares what you actually think about me? Because it doesn’t. It doesn’t matter what you or anyone else says. To it, I will never be good enough, never be man enough. So don’t go playing the hero because I used you as an excuse to put myself down.”  
   
“I’m not trying to play the hero! I’m trying to be a good fucking friend,” Dorian snapped.  
   
There was a pause. The anger that had built up in Trevelyan had wilted away leaving him exhausted. Paranoia was slowly seeping in to replace it as he realized how utterly unsubtle the two of them were being.  
   
“We should talk about this somewhere else,” he said, again more curtly than he had meant it.  
   
Dorian glanced around the library. “Perhaps so.”  
   
The silence was awkward now. Trevelyan shifted slightly where he stood. Dorian folded his arms, then spoke.  
   
“I should have told Cole to stop. I’m sorry.”  
   
Trevelyan sighed. “That curiosity will be the death of you, I swear.”  
   
Dorian bristled at that but said nothing, and Trevelyan instantly regretted it. “I’m sorry, that was unworthy of me. Thank you for telling me. If the roles were reversed I honestly don’t know that I could have a done the same.”  
   
Dorian’s tone softened as he smiled slightly. “You could have I’m sure. It would’ve eaten you up inside like tiny little worms.”  
   
“You underestimate how cowardly I can become in social situations. Did I ever tell you about how when I found out a friend at my circle had feelings for me I stopped talking to her for six months? I don’t _do_ confrontation.”  
   
“Says the man who dropped a mountain on a would be god and his pet Archdemon.”  
   
“I never claimed to be a consistent man, just an honest one.”  
   
“Virtuous as ever, our dear Herald of Andraste,” Dorian said with a laugh. He sighed. “At any rate, time to drink myself into a drunken stupor. It’s been that sort of day. Join me, if you have a mind.”  
   
“I might just take you up on that,” Trevelyan said as he followed Dorian back down the stairway from the library.

**Author's Note:**

> yaaaaaay i finished it! sorry it took so long ashjkdfshjdfgshj  
> any comments and kudos you wish to give are always loved and cherished by yours truly <333


End file.
